Dad Jokes To Tell The Waitress To Make Your Kid Scream Inside

Are your kids looking a little too comfortable over there on the other side of the booth? Looking at their phones, smiling to themselves, maybe even forgetting for a moment the existential dread that is being your child?

Well fret not, here are some fresh new dad jokes, straight from the cringeatorium to make your child’s soul leave their body at Chilli’s:

  • I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
  • I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
  • I tried to start a hot air balloon company, but it never took off.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
  • I was going to tell a time-traveling joke, but you didn’t like it.
  • I tried to start a restaurant that only served pancakes, but it folded.
  • I used to play the violin, but I was terrible. I couldn’t even get a solo.
  • I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
  • I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
  • I tried to start a business selling cast iron, but it didn’t pan out.

If none of these work, your kid must have nerves of Teflon/steel. I don’t know whether to commend you on your great job parenting or admonish you for neglecting your duties as an embarrassing cornball, goofnut dad. Either way, you have a fresh stock of horrible dad jokes to unload on the unwitting public. Enjoy!