I’m A Proctologist. Here Are The Craziest Things I’ve Found Inside Patients

As a proctologist, I’ve seen my fair share of interesting things coming out of people’s behinds. But some of the craziest items I’ve found have left me scratching my head and wondering, “How on earth did that get there?!”

One time, I was performing a routine colonoscopy when I came across a fully intact cell phone. I couldn’t believe my eyes! The patient claimed they had no idea how it got there, but I have a sneaking suspicion it might have been a prank gone wrong.

Another memorable moment was when I removed a set of car keys from a patient’s rectum. I asked how they managed to get them in there, and they sheepishly admitted they had been trying to retrieve them from their glove compartment and got a little too ambitious. Lesson learned: always check your torque before sticking your hand up there.

But perhaps the most bizarre item I’ve ever found was a small toy train. The patient claimed they had no idea how it ended up there, and I have to say, I believe them. I mean, who stuffs a toy train up their butt on purpose? An overeager conductor? It remains a mystery to this day.

Here are a few more examples of bizarre things I’ve found in patients as a proctologist:

  • A pair of socks: I don’t know if this patient was trying to keep warm or just really enjoyed the feeling of socks in their rectum, but either way, it was a strange sight to behold.
  • A bottle of ketchup: This one left me particularly perplexed. How does someone manage to get a bottle of ketchup up there without noticing? And why? I may never know, but it did prompt “Heiney-z 57” puns in the hospital.
  • A deck of cards: This patient claimed they were just trying to retrieve a lost card from their card game, but I have a feeling they might have been up to something a little more mischievous. Plus, they were a magician, and you never can trust magicians.
  • A pen: I’ll never understand why someone would feel the need to stick a pen up their rectum, but alas, it happened. And let me tell you, removing it was no easy feat. The patient wrote me a letter thanking me for the procedure a few weeks later. I didn’t have the gall to ask from where the ink came.
  • A rather large plastic dinosaur: I’m starting to think some people just have a penchant for shoving random objects up their behinds. This one left me wondering how on earth the patient managed to fit a plastic dinosaur in there. The Internet tells me poppers? Like jalepeƱo????

As a proctologist, you never know what you’re going to find. It’s always important to have a sense of humor and be prepared for the unexpected. But please, for the love of all that is holy, do not put strange objects up your rectum. Please do not try to replicate these antics at home. Trust me, it’s not worth the trip to the hospital (or the embarrassment).