Hello! Tis I, Beauregard D. Harrisburg, famous inventor and extraordinaire. The new year is here, and with it, the time to announce 12 new inventions, guaranteed to spark your fancy!
Without further ado, here they be:
- The Walrifier: Even walruses need space commodifiers, now don’t they? That’s what I truly believe. The Walrifier brings this dream to life, and for only a few dollars more than a Smergan’s Machine, one can be yours.
- The Don’t Askilator: Ever wanted someone to stop asking you incessant questions? “When’s your next machine ready? Why won’t my machine work? How can I get a refund for my Parental Overdrive 9000-2?” Ugh. Well, now you don’t have to want. Your dreams can be realized with The Don’t Askilator. This one is pricey and only one is in existence at this time, so act fast.
- Samson’s Mask: Three-quarter moons later, the quandary has been solved. How can one man’s face be assimilated into another man’s personality? Samson’s Mask has the puzzle pieces within to fix your wanton personality-face conundrum. I know some of you can’t wait, so I’m putting this one on sale for 14 talus bones of any species.
- Smergan’s Machine 3.0: Can’t get that piece of hair out of the drain? Smergan. Won’t let go of an ex partner? Smergan. Wilfully ignorant of modern politics? You guessed, and your reward is the machine. Also you must pay.
- Alaskan Wonder: The flavoured frosted ice maker was a failure first time around, but I nabbed the perfect ice-flavor ratio in 2022, netting Alaskan Wonder. One of my most prized inventions, Alaskan Wonder makes the perfect snowed conical treat.
- Past Time Dreammaker: I know it. You know it. We all want to live in our past, when Stevie didn’t blow away in the wind incident, and Warbutton was but a whisper in deep-space. We can’t, but the next best thing is the Past Time Dreammaker. With it, you can sleep easily knowing everything is okay. When awake however, things go back to normal. You will only want to sleep, so this invention is for the serious of nerve. Costs more than you know.
- The Fart Machine: So very many of you have asked for it in the past, so I sure hope you know what it took to make and maintain one of these bad boys in the lab. I can only imagine what you’re planning on doing with one. Please don’t fart on your parents or grandparents. They could pass away! Philip Masteroni should be a lesson for us all. 9000 rings of Calimasst.
- Fourteen: Speaks for itself.
- OnlyFans Robot: I … don’t want to make these types of things, really.. I don’t. But the clients who ask for them are so wealthy and persistent. And when I do fold to pressure and create a masterpiece like the OnlyFans Robot, it truly marvels me each and every time. Does exactly what you think it does. Available on request.
- Faster, Faster: An armband you wear to go faster than you should. Crashing is a real risk, but look at you go!
- Porten Transformer: Ever want to be a Porten? Hey, we all do. The long beaks, the chiseled abs, the peak warble, and the pink hairdo. What there isn’t to love about a Porten I don’t know. I made this transformer to live out my fantasies, and I’m so addicted to it that I’m scared. Sometimes I wake up and try to jump out my window because I believe I can soar even when I’m in my original form. Please use responsibly.
- The Phallux: It isn’t what you think. Go back to number 9 if you want that, you slimeballs. This tidy little invention is a beam of light so tall, it reaches the Heaven’s Crest of the Dogu Nebula. Use it to call on Norman, gentle giant of the moon of Gharaa or just blind your neighbors for a brief enough period that it isn’t a felony! Just remember not to point it toward Daahgmak in June. Orission will not be pleased.
Well, there you have it – 12 inventions guaranteed to spark your fancy. Whether you’re a novice spellbreaker or an avid titillater, there’s something here for everyone. Did one of my fine inventions cast your mind aglow? If not, be sure to check back next year. I’ll be sure to make anyone’s dreams come true eventually.
All inventions are available on my website. Thanks for reading!